zawamecity | [For Hiromu]

Entry tags:

[For Hiromu]

It's been two years since the defeat of Messiah.

I suppose things have changed quite a lot since I woke up- not, as I had expected, in the EMC's own infirmary, but in an actual honest-to-goodness hospital, hooked up to more machines than I could probably name.

Also, eleven years old.

I probably shouldn't have woken up, probably shouldn't have been able to, with all the scrambled data that made me up in a metaphysical sense, too old and too addled to just go back into my little body and be dragged out before the subdimension collapsed. But that's what happened, and I wasn't even unconscious for more than two days, which was frankly, the doctors said, some kind of miracle.

The miracle is that I'm still kicking around two years later. I'm guess I'm supposed to be thankful that my body just kicked back into gear and started aging normally, but I'm learning very quickly that having missed puberty the first time around, I'm really in a unique position to hate it exponentially more this time.

I'm living with Hiromu now. How he's putting up with me through this, I will never understand, but he loves me and I love him, we've been through so much together... And as long as we're careful not to be too affectionate when we go out of the house (as if I ever really go out of the house much anymore), it works for us.

We're both still technically employed by EMC, but mostly for protection and support. We each get a stipend for things like groceries, my parents' estate pays for the house. Hiromu has gone back to school, to university, something he never had the opportunity for before, during the fighting and all.

I mostly sit around at home, spending time with Nick and Kotako, and honestly, feeling sorry for myself.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Jin-san moves down to Emi's level, and takes him in his arms. I'm still gaping at them both like an idiot, but I shake it off, and settle a hand on Emi's shoulder.

I wish I could do more, but right now he needs to hold - and yell at - Jin-san.

Jin-san's giving me a look. One of those hangdog apologetic-please-don't-hate-me expressions, like yes I did steal the last ten cans of Enetron but we needed them, okayyyy?

"What - what happened?" I ask at last, looking from Jin-san to Kouta to the other scientist in the room. Emi's shaking under my hand, and I go down on one knee to get an arm around him, under where Jin-san's hugging him.

I hate this, I should be stronger than this. My age should have nothing to do with it, but here it is. Here he is, and I can hardly believe it, but he's got a shape in my arms.

Is this what I felt like to Hiromu, all of those times? No wonder he loves hugging me, now that I feel warm and real.

"You left me." I growl weakly against his shoulder, once he's crouching down to my level. I remember how he pretended to be offended that my Avatar was taller than his. Not the case anymore... "You left me like this..."

Hiromu's arm snakes around my waist, and with both of them holding me, I don't even know how to feel. Overwhelmed, mostly. Undeserving, most certainly.

I'm sure there's plenty to explain, but right now I just want to hold onto him and make sure he doesn't disappear on me again.

"I had to." I tell Emi softly, as gently as I can manage. "There was no need for you to make the same sacrifice I did. And this way..." This way you get back the years that were taken from you, is what I want to say. But I know it's not that simple. Not that black and white. Yeah, he gets those years back, but his mind is already far ahead of his body now.

And Hiromu is older now too, I can see it around his eyes, in his posture and the way he carries himself, a sureness that wasn't there before. It's not like he could stop aging at will, wait for Emeric to catch up with him.

It can't be easy, probably won't ever be easy. But at least this way they have each other. Hiromu didn't have to mourn Emeric, and Emeric didn't have to say goodbye.

My thoughts drift briefly to Kuroki, and I shake them off quickly. No sense dwelling on that in this moment.

I pull back a bit from the hug, but just far enough so that I can address Hiromu and his question without my words being muffled by Emeric's hair or cheek or shoulder.

"A fragment of my data was left over in EMC's backup files. Deeply encrypted and buried after Enter was finally shut down. Professor Ryouma," I gesture at the man sitting quietly with his sundry monitors and tools, wondering what he might be thinking about all this, to say nothing of what's going through Kazuraba's mind. "Found me there, managed to communicate with me, and rebuilt the Avatar Program and Marker System from the information I provided him with while I was still just data in a machine.

"So I..." I falter a bit, because I don't know exactly how to explain, or how to convey how I feel about the whole thing. I'm still trying to sort it out for myself as it is. "I'm Jin, or a part of Jin, but I'm not Jin."

...well, this is complicated.

So he's Jin. Thinks he is, at least. Even if he's not the Jin that we... lost. He still has the same memories, up to a point.

Emi's so upset.

He's got his dad back, but not quite.

"It's good to see you, anyway," I say awkwardly. "Ryuu-san, Yoko-chan, and the commander will be glad to see you as well."

I'm not even really listening to his explanation. I should be, of course I should be. The professional, grown up thing to do would be to compose myself and pull back and listen to his report and offer suggestions or... Something.

I can't. I missed him so much... I'm so angry at him. I've felt so alone.

Hiromu's good, Hiromu's great, the best thing that has ever happened to me, and more than I deserve out of life. But he's not my partner, my friend, practically my father. Who let himself die so we could save the world.

Who wouldn't let me die with him.

I slam a fist into his chest again, and I know it doesn't hurt him, he probably doesn't even really feel it, so I do it once more. "You jerk." It comes out as a whine, and it's so pathetic and I hate myself so much. "You unbelievable jerk."

Hiromu is polite as ever, kind in that way of his. I can't help but feel guilty though, when he mentions Ryuuji and Youko-chan.

And Kuroki.

I wasn't sure I wanted any of them to know about me. I'm still not, but I can't ask him or Emeric to lie about this. I'm not even sure they would be capable of lying about this, no matter my reasons for asking them.

So I won't. But I still... "I don't know if I want them to know yet. It's all so complicated, and I'm not sure I want to... to dump this on them. Not yet anyway. Maybe if I find the right timing, or the right words, or... I don't know."

Emeric draws my full attention back to him with his small fist against my chest. Twice. He calls me a jerk again, and I suppose that's fair. I would do it all over again, of course, give up my life (such as it is now) to save theirs. To save his. But if I put myself in his place, imagine myself the one left behind, I can understand exactly how he feels.

I wrap him up tight again, possibly a little too tight, and speak softly near his ear just for him. "I'm so sorry, Aibou."

Emi thumps him, and Jin-san responds in exactly the right way, just folds him into himself and apologises. Sometimes Jin-san is very, VERY bad at emotions.

Sometimes he gets it right.

"They need to know," I say as gently as I can. "Jin-san, you can't keep this from them. And I'm sure you want to see them, too."

Masato says some rubbish about not telling them, which indicates to me that if we hadn't literally, accidentally stumbled upon him, he wouldn't have told us either.

I pull back and arrange my face into what I hope is the most aggressive annoyance I can manage. He needs to know how I feel about this, after all.

"How dare you." I grit out, as deep as I can force my voice to go. It still doesn't sound like 'me', not like the me I was used to, from the Avatar. My voice is deepening, slowly, and cracks sometimes in the most unflattering ways. I can only hope that it won't, this time. This is too serious. "How dare you come back in any way and try to stay away from us. I needed you. The commander needs you. You left, and now you're trying to stay away. How dare you?" I scowl up at him and shake my head firmly.

"You're telling him. Them. Or I will."

They both don't like that idea, reacting in different ways, but saying the same message. Hiromu is calm, speaking with care and a measured gentleness, while Emeric pulls back and glares and spells everything out to me with a cold rage of his I know all too well.

They're right, they are. I know that, but I still...

Maybe it would have been better if the Professor hadn't found my lingering data, maybe it would be better if he deactivated my avatar, sent me back into the database. It wasn't like my existence there was bad, dull, but not painful or uncomfortable.

But I want to be here. I want to exist in this reality in any way that I can. I'm still trying to figure out if I even count as being Jin Masato, when I'm just reactivated backup data, when there's no body left for me to hope to revive. But I want to be here, and I want to be here for Emi.

And I very much want to see Kurorin again.

"Okay." I give Hiromu a nod, and Emeric a small grip. "You're right. He... they deserve to know."

Jin's doing that 'enhhhh' thing he does, where he scrunches up his mouth and really obviously doesn't want to do something. But in the end he gives in, and I smile in relief.

"I'd want to know. In that position."

Not that I've thought about it. Not that I've woken up at night sick with guilt at how relieved I feel that Jin sacrificed himself for Emi and not the other way around.

I finally bring myself to pull away from him, to straighten my back and drop my shoulders and compose myself. I rub angrily at my cheeks for a moment before realizing how patently ridiculously childish that must look from the outside and stop.

I flounder, unsure of what to do for a moment, and sigh.

"Anyway. We, um. Where are we?"

There's a flash of something in Hiromu's eyes, a glimmer of sadness, or possibly guilt. I wonder about it for a moment, before pushing the thought aside. It's his place to carry whatever he will from everything that happened, and it's Emeric's place, not mine, to help unpack all of that.

I've always been shit at unpacking emotional baggage anyway.

When Emeric pulls away I straighten my posture, and it's so strange being taller than him again. I wasn't a tall man, and my avatar certainly isn't any taller; I'm sure before long he'll be taller than me once more.

"Ah," I glance over at the Professor, and then Kazuraba, unsure of how much I'm allowed to give away.

"Zawame City." That at least has to be information I can give them.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[For Hiromu]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject