Welcome to Zawame City [open to anyone]

[kirakirahikaru]

A Shadow Line train is now arriving. Please stay behind the black line if you value your life...

My only escape these days is promising Mork that I'm seeking Darkness on my own terms. It's all she ever wanted, and so she chooses not to disbelieve me. That allows me freedom to take my Kurainer out. The idea is that I will find a city with suitable Darkness, that I can then swallow and create a new Shadow Town, and so on.

That isn't my real aim, though. Further even than seeking freedom, I'm seeking the source of Light. Not one Light in particular, but Light in general, the quality that makes things sparkle.

The easiest way is to let the Kurainer take me where it doesn't want to go. Which is how I find myself here.

Now arriving in Zawame City... Zawame City...

There is light here. Protection. Someone loves this city very much- it glows with a warmth that is familiar somehow, though I can't identify it yet.

Mork would be pleased, in her way. The brighter the Light, the deeper the Shadows.

I send the Kurainer away, and head off into the city to explore.

Comments

[kirakirahikaru]

He brushes against me, but it's gentle enough, and with his jacket and my clothing, we don't touch enough to cause me pain, or even discomfort.

I don't know if the same can be said for him. Even now I can see traces of Darkness clinging to him. I don't know how to explain to him that I've stained him so thoroughly.

"Sometimes, maybe. Sometimes."

[1gou]

He's got that look on his face. That look of strain.

"Look at us," I say, trying to be encouraging. I slurp up another bit of ice cream. "We've been together for minutes and neither one of us has tried to kill the other! Isn't that good?!"

[kirakirahikaru]

I look over at him again with a slight smirk, and a tiny shake of my head. He's so hopeful. I envy it.

"I never wanted to kill you, Right."

[1gou]

"But you wanted to eat me?" I wonder at him, not particularly upset about it. He's not trying to do it now. He's so different away from his family.

[kirakirahikaru]

"No." I shake my head again, and even laugh a bit. "No, not really. That's too simple, and... Not right. Glitter ate me, I didn't eat her. That's not my... My talent. I just wanted what you had, and I didn't... Don't know how to take it."

[1gou]

I finish off the cone of one of the icecreams, and crunch it thoughtfully as I work through what he's saying in my head. I turn to him, swivelling on my butt, drawing the leg closest to him up under my butt. "Ah, yeah, that's different. Do you get it now?"

[kirakirahikaru]

I watch him eat, mostly because he is so very happy when he's eating.

He turns to face me and I shift to allow him the room to do so without nudging against me too sharply. With my head turned, now we're staring into each other's eyes.

"No. I still don't understand. That's why I came here. Maybe to find another Light."

[1gou]

He doesn't look like he's slept in weeks.

It's good, though, to get a chance to look at him properly like this. Too often I need to read his face to figure out how he's going to attack next. What he wants. Right now, I can just look at him, and see the intelligence in his eyes. The weariness.

Softly, "Did you and I ever really talk about it? Maybe we should..."

[kirakirahikaru]

I don't sleep, so I imagine at this close proximity he can see all the evidence of how weary I am, in so many different ways.

He's the type to notice things like that.

"No, I don't believe I ever gave you the opportunity."

[1gou]

Smiling. Can't help but smile at him. I know we've fought, but he's so handsome and intelligent and... and can be really sweet. It's nice to have his attention!

"Then what do you want to know, exactly?"

[kirakirahikaru]

He's smiling, but I don't really understand why. I roll my eyes at him a little.

"I don't know. There's so much... I don't understand. I just wanted what I didn't have. What I was told I couldn't have. I suppose that makes me selfish."

[1gou]

And he shows when he's mildly impatient with me. I wonder if he realises he's my friend.

I shake my head fervently when he finishes, then I crunch the last of the second ice cream. "No, that makes you normal! It's okay to want things! You just have to be careful about how you go about getting them, Zett. I want lots of things I don't have right now."

[kirakirahikaru]

I wish I understood him better, but I don't know how to ask.

"No, that's not the same. Wanting things you can have, and earning them, getting them, that's different from wanting something that... That's wrong for you, that hurts you. Wanting it anyway. And... hurting other people to get it."

[1gou]

Hm. Okay. He's not wrong, but I can sense something beyond, something he should be - or could be - doing that'd make it different. (I hope.)

Um.

Let's see.

"I think it's wrong to hurt other people for what you want," I say slowly, feeling my way through it. "But maybe what you want isn't quite what you think it is, in that case, Zett. Maybe what you want is what people feel when they sparkle for you. Not the sparkle itself. Maybe that'll make you sparkle."

[kirakirahikaru]

I consider his options, but it doesn't seem right, it doesn't resonate.

"I don't know, Right. I'm beginning to think I can't sparkle. I'm not like Glitter-chan, or the General."

I'm too Dark.

[1gou]

I splutter, lean across the dappled sunlight between us, and grab his shoulder briefly. "No, no, no, don't give up! They sparkle because they found happy, right? And Akira found his happy when he saw a rainbow. You just need to find the right happy for you!"

[kirakirahikaru]

He grabs me again, and this time it's firm enough, with enough feeling behind it, that it almost hurts slightly. Like a... scratch.

"I can only guess that is how it works, but I haven't... I mean, I don't..." I frown, grumbling at the ground, consider getting up and walking away. This is too much. "It's not you."

[1gou]

He's not comfortable, so I let go of him, but I stay close.

"No, it's not," I agree. "But do you want to be close to me? Or to 'have' me? Or to be me?"

I frown a little, because that's not quite how to express it, it's not quite right. But I can't find the right words.

[kirakirahikaru]

He doesn't move away, and I, as usual, can't bring myself to pull away from him.

"I don't know!" It comes out as a snapped shout, the words cutting off sharply. "I don't know what it is, Right, I just know that you feel... Right to me, and I want it, I want to have it, and I can't, and it hurts when I touch you and..."

[1gou]

"Okay, okay," I say with a quick smile. "It's okay. You don't have to understand it all right now. I sure don't."

I reach out and touch his arm, carefully, on a spot where the skin's covered by fabric. "But it hurts less than it did, right? Maybe we can get you used to it."

Because I can't be inside him. I can't be his, in that way. But if he just wanted to be around me a lot? I could deal with that. I really could. And if... if I could do that, if Zett would let me make him happier with that, then it'd mean the Shadow Line would be weakened.

And it'd mean that Zett would be happier. That'd be amazing.

[kirakirahikaru]

He's trying to calm me down, but I'm too frantic now, too angry and upset and I hate it. I hate this, I hate him, for having what I want and not even knowing how hard it is...

"I can't. It doesn't hurt less, I just don't care as much. I'd let it kill me if I could just have it, just for a little while, if I could just know what it was like--"

I lean in closer, hissing. "You don't understand. Darkness is just a fog to you, it clings and it dampens but it can be washed away for you, you can escape it. It's my life, it's everything I am and everything I can have and nothing is going to change that, Right. Nothing."

[1gou]

Oh boy, he's working himself up in a frenzy of frustration and self-hatred. It's awful to watch, but if watching is all I can do right now, then that's what I'll do. I keep still, my eyes on his, and I swallow when he's finished.

"I'm sure I can't take it away from you," I say sadly, because I wish I could. "I get that, Zett, I do. But I can sit with you, while you're feeling bad. I can be with you outside, just us. I can talk to you, and care about you, not about what I want from you."

I swallow again.

"I know that doesn't take the Darkness away from you, and it doesn't give you what you want. But at least it's a little bit of relief, for a little while, okay?"

[kirakirahikaru]

He doesn't move, he doesn't try to defend himself or pull back even though it must hurt him.

It has to hurt him.

It's not fair if it only hurts me...

"It's not enough. And it never will be." I drop my head and drop my hands and back away from him, but I teeter on the edge of where the shadows end, because I'm so tired just now that stepping into the pure sunlight will probably knock me down too fast.

"I should just go back into the Deep Darkness and leave you all alone."

[1gou]

I slump a little when he backs away, but even though it fizzes, I wish he'd keep touching me. I wish I could prove to him that it's not that bad to keep touching me, that he really can get better at it, that it's not that he doesn't care about the pain.

(...I hope I'm right about that. But I don't know.)

"Maybe not, but it's something. And something's better than nothing," I say, ducking around behind him into the sunlight. He doesn't look good. He needs to stay in the shadows, and if me repelling him back into the shadows will do it, I'm happy to do it. "I don't want you to do that, Zett. Don't give up!"

[kirakirahikaru]

He doesn't care. It can't hurt him as much as it hurts me, of course it doesn't. Even now I can see how he's covered in Darkness that clings to him, he probably can't see it but it's as natural to me as breathing. It doesn't hurt him, it just rides around on him, and he doesn't even notice it.

He circles around me, edging me back against the bench again, back away from the sun.

"Better to give up than go crazy, isn't it? Start listening to them?"