[For Hiromu]

[silverpleather]

It's been two years since the defeat of Messiah.

I suppose things have changed quite a lot since I woke up- not, as I had expected, in the EMC's own infirmary, but in an actual honest-to-goodness hospital, hooked up to more machines than I could probably name.

Also, eleven years old.

I probably shouldn't have woken up, probably shouldn't have been able to, with all the scrambled data that made me up in a metaphysical sense, too old and too addled to just go back into my little body and be dragged out before the subdimension collapsed. But that's what happened, and I wasn't even unconscious for more than two days, which was frankly, the doctors said, some kind of miracle.

The miracle is that I'm still kicking around two years later. I'm guess I'm supposed to be thankful that my body just kicked back into gear and started aging normally, but I'm learning very quickly that having missed puberty the first time around, I'm really in a unique position to hate it exponentially more this time.

I'm living with Hiromu now. How he's putting up with me through this, I will never understand, but he loves me and I love him, we've been through so much together... And as long as we're careful not to be too affectionate when we go out of the house (as if I ever really go out of the house much anymore), it works for us.

We're both still technically employed by EMC, but mostly for protection and support. We each get a stipend for things like groceries, my parents' estate pays for the house. Hiromu has gone back to school, to university, something he never had the opportunity for before, during the fighting and all.

I mostly sit around at home, spending time with Nick and Kotako, and honestly, feeling sorry for myself.

Comments

[red_pleather]

I don't know how Emi puts up with me.

He's stuck in his 13 year old body, with an idiot boyfriend with so little consideration that he keeps forgetting how hard things are for him now. At least he is actually growing. Should mean that in another 7 or 8 years I will be able to hold his hand or give him a kiss in public without being jumped on by every horrified adult in the area.

I open our front door, calling, "I'm home!"

[silverpleather]

I'm in the bathroom when Hiromu comes home. I spend a frankly unreasonable amount of time in there. I'm smoking (I know I probably shouldn't be, I know about the health risks and how blatantly feeble my body is, but I just can't seem to bring myself to care) and standing on the little step-stool that lets me see properly into the mirror above the sink.

The fact that I need a step-stool is embarrassing, but Hiromu is sweet enough never to bring it up. I don't think I ever expected to be tiny, but maybe I'm just shy a few growth spurts. Some people don't finish growing until they're eighteen or nineteen, even. Or so I keep telling myself.

"Salut, Amour!" I call back to him, snuffing out my cigarette with a little sigh. "How was class?"

[red_pleather]

I can smell the cigarettes he likes. I have no idea about how it might affect someone's body when they've been through what he's been through, but basically? He's an adult, and he's aware of the risks, and he's been through enough crap already. He can do what he likes.

I put my bag on the table, and heft the little bakery bag in my hand. I head over to the bathroom, and open it, leaning on the doorframe.

Can't help but smile when I see him, but it's not like I'm trying not to. "Hey, Emi. It was... okay."

I don't really see the point of studying art history, but I guess I had to do one more recreational subject. My favourite subject at the moment is French, though I'm only barely passing.

[silverpleather]

For a moment I feel like the absolute worst boyfriend ever (as if being stuck in a body almost ten years his junior wasn't enough at his age), because I asked the question so reflexively without even stopping to think about whether I cared about the answer, or whether his answer would make sense to me.

I huff another sigh and turn to face him. His smile is radiant, as always, and I practically hop down from the step stool and go over to wrap my arms around his waist. It puts my head right about level with his sternum, and I press my ear to his chest and listen to his heartbeat.

There are a lot of things that are awful about being me these days, but being able to hold him, feel his warmth and how alive we are... That is certainly not one of them.

"Pardon, I don't even recall what class you had today." I mumble against his chest, not really wanting to let go of him now that I have him in my arms. "It sounds like it wasn't very fun, though."

[red_pleather]

He looks really horrified from what I can see in the mirror, but then he turns to face me, bounces down off the stool, and comes over to hug me.

I wrap my arms around him, careful of the bakery bag, and sigh in contentment. No, he doesn't feel the same as he did when I used to hug his avatar. But he still feels exactly like him, and that's all that matters for my sake. Especially since now I can feel him breathing, I can feel his life, I know he's real and here with me, and not in terrible danger in the subdimension.

"Art history," I say with a little shudder. "I don't know why I let neesan talk me into these things. The other subjects are mostly helpful for being a pilot and for maybe one day being in charge, like the Commander. But art history? Not so much. It's okay, Emi. Not your fault. Tell me about your day?"

I'm very conscious that at least I do get to leave the house. Emi can, too, of course. There's nothing really stopping him.

...except him being treated by a kid by everyone he sees.

[silverpleather]

"All kinds of history are important." I say, tilting my head back to grin up at him. He's so tall like this. I wasn't that much taller than him when I was the avatar, but... Well, it just felt right.

Might not be right. I might not grow much more, I might end up his height or smaller. The avatar was just guesses, guesses made mostly by Masato, with some input from me. Who knows what I'll really grow up to look like?

Ugh.

"We should visit France sometime." I stretch up onto my tip-toes and reach for his shoulders. "You can practice your French, too."

He asks about my day, and I glance back at the very full ash tray on the bathroom sink.

"I read some. Ryuuji called, he was thinking about coming over, next week maybe? Not much."

[red_pleather]

He should be taller. But he's so very... cute like this. So small and perfect. I grin at him. "That'd be fun. But you'll need to stay close by my side in case I ask where the nuclear weapons are or something when I really want to find the museum."

He's... smoked even more than normal today.

I grip his wrist gently, where he's holding my shoulder. Not to restrain. Just because I like touching him. "Okay, cool. I got you a pastry," I try gently. "I've got tomorrow off, Emi. You want to do something?"

[silverpleather]

"Those are not the kinds of mistakes that are easy to make," I remind him. "But if you insist. You will simply have to play my governess."

I will never tire of him holding me steady, holding onto me. Reminding me that I'm here and physical and real, even if I'm not happy with myself, I am incredibly happy with him. He is everything to me, these days.

All I have left.

"I don't know. Did you have something in mind?"

[red_pleather]

I laugh at that. "What, like in Madeline?"

(I like my French teacher, for all that she shows us some very frivolous things sometimes.)

"I... thought you could come to EMC with me. Do some training. They have some new equipment we could try out, help them refine."

[silverpleather]

I chuckle softly and pull away finally, inching past him into the hall and tugging him along after me. "Yes, precisely like in Madeline."

I love his reaction to some of the things his teacher shows him. He came home from class one day subtly horrified by Babar.

"Oh." I pause in the hallway, then reach for the pastry back he is holding and head off with it, into the kitchen. "Well, I suppose it's as good as any other weekend getaway."

[red_pleather]

He moves ahead of me, pulling me along with him. Madeline was much easier to understand than that one about the elephants.

...

I catch up with him and slide my hands around his waist from behind, resting my chin on his shoulder for a moment. "You want to go somewhere else? We can do that?"

I can hear the uncertainty in my voice. I don't know how to be romantic. Just pragmatic. But I know I love him, and I want him to feel happy. I just... he's been so restless and unsettled, and I want to help him find a way to feel like he has a purpose in his life again.

[silverpleather]

I slow down when I feel his hands around my waist, and lean back against him just briefly. "No, I didn't have any ulterior motives. We can do whatever you like?" I don't mean it to come out a question, but it does.

I realize belatedly what I am actually thinking without knowing, what is subconsciously informing my actions. I turn around in his arms and tilt my head sharply back to look up at him.

"Are you trying to get me to see a therapist again?"

That comes out much more accusatory than I intended it to, especially since I know he's just worried about me, and beyond that, I know that it's at least partially the Commander's doing.

[red_pleather]

He rests a little weight on me, and I can't help but sigh in pleasure. It always feels so nice when we're together.

Except then he turns around, and looks up at me. With that expression on his face.

"No," I say hastily, because it's true, but I can't find the right words to convince him of that. "I mean, if you wanted to, I'd like that, and if you didn't like that one, I'd support you in finding another. But I'm not trying to ambush you. I just want... want to train."

What I do alone or with him is good, but I want to be at EMC too. Yes, we defeated Messiah, but that doesn't mean nothing will ever go wrong again.

[silverpleather]

I take his hand in mine and squeeze gently.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I know you're worried about me." I bite my lip thoughtfully, sigh, and then shake my head. "Training would be good. We can go tomorrow, that'd be nice."

I hold up the pastry bag again. "Now, let's go see what you brought home."

[red_pleather]

He's holding my hand. I wish - I wish we could do this in public more easily. I hate that he can't be comfortable when we're out together.

I'm not good at this interpersonal stuff. I like him. I love him, even (and he knows that, because I say it to him). But I don't know how to make him feel better when he's got this huge stupid issue, and when he's still grieving Jin-san (of course he is, the man was basically his father). Jin-san wouldn't've been able to fix it either. At least, I don't think so. But having him around would've meant another person for Emi to talk to, to be supported by, to be irritated by when Jin-san got extra silly.

"Thanks, Emi. Yeah, I am, but I'm probably not completely sane either," I say wryly. "Things are a lot harder for you day to day than they are for me, but we went through such... specialised circumstances that it's hard to feel like I'm normal either."

I brighten when he holds up the bag. There's something sickly sweet in there, with cinnamon icing. I have no idea what they're called. The bakery doesn't have labels for their little pastries. I just pointed and said two of those, please.

[silverpleather]

I do love him, I know I do, and in many ways that's about all I have. But it should be enough- I could have lost him in the battle, and I know that very acutely. I could have lost him to Enter (and doesn't that still ache deep, that I still don't know, will probably never know, whether or not Enter's data came from me, or from my brother...), but we made it through.

So what if I'm thirteen going on twenty-eight? So what if I have at least another five, maybe seven years before I can go out and be seen in public with my boyfriend? Honestly, it's not as if we wouldn't get dirty looks then, too, and not for our age.

So what if I think I'm going grey before I hit fourteen, and that puberty is terrible, and that I don't actually know what I'm going to look like in ten years, even though I have a set mental image of what I should look like...

None of that matters. Hiromu does, and I smile up at him, a real genuine smile. "We're not normal." I assure him. "But we can be not normal together."

[red_pleather]

We're both floundering.

It's much worse for Emi. And I guess I knew that I'd be in this kind of trouble, and I guess it's a luxury to be able to. Jin-san doesn't get this.

But it's still hard, I suppose.

Oh well.

He smiles up at me, and says the sweetest thing, just like always. I grin at him and kiss him gently. "Here, you eat. I'll just go in the bedroom and change."

I duck into our room, which is tiny but pretty neat as always. I can't find one of my socks, though - maybe on the other side of the bed? Maybe under the bed?

I'm flat on my stomach, wiggling under, trying to find it. There are other things under here. A book. I think a hairbrush. And there's the edge of what feels like a giant zipper, and there's a breeze pulling at me, and now it's a wind, and now it's a tornado, and with a yelp I fall into space -

[silverpleather]

I keep heading into the kitchen at first, until I hear Hiromu make a sound that is at once innately familiar, and completely horrifying. It's his oh god what is happening I need help but I don't have time to ask for it yelp (and yes, it's that specific, the oh god I know exactly what is happening and I'm going to deal for now yelp is entirely different). I drop the pastry bag and tear around the corner and into the bedroom in time to see his legs... steadily disappearing under the bed.

The bed under which I know there is not actually enough room for his entire body but now he's nearly gone and-

I dive after him without thinking, grasping onto his ankle, and I give a mon fucking dieu what in the hell is this help me yelp of my own as we go tumbling down into something, some place, that is far too fresh and green and outdoors to be under our god damn bed.

[red_pleather]

...I'm in a tree.

I'm a tree, and my head is pounding.

I'm in a tree, my head is pounding, and there's something holding onto my ankle. I blink at it, and realise it's an Emi.

I scramble for him. "Emi, please be breathing-"

[silverpleather]

I'm fine, but I was certainly worried about Hiromu for a second there. He grabs for me and I take his hands and let him pull me up with him where he's in a funny little natural hammock of vines in the crook of a forked tree.

I'm basically sitting in his lap now, but I don't mind. "I'm fine, Hiromu, are you okay? What was that?"

I turn my head, looking around and trying to find... Some indication of whatever hole we fell into this forest from, but there's nothing.

[red_pleather]

He climbs up, pretty much into my lap. I keep a hand on his back as I twist enough to look around.

"I don't know," I say blankly, shaking my head. "But it's not Earth. Or not Earth as we know it. Look at the fruit."

[silverpleather]

I should be very concerned about everything that is going on right now, but I do allow myself a guilty moment of just being close to Hiromu, of his hand on my back. He's not particularly shy with being physically affectionate towards me- when we're at home. But he has every reason to be apprehensive about it in public, so I still appreciate everything I do get.

I curse softly under my breath- mostly in French, and probably mostly familiar to Hiromu by now. He's right, though- none of those looks familiar at all. Trees are trees, and vines are vines, but there's something... decidedly foreign, if not outright alien, about all of it.

"Good to know there's an alien forest under our bed."

[red_pleather]

He has that look on his face again. That "I'm not allowed to be happy, I know I'm not," look. I think because I'm holding him.

We really need to do something about his physical situation. I know we can wait, but... this really isn't fair on him.

He says some bad words, but I'm not entirely sure what one phrase means, and anyway, where would he get the goat? Then manages a wry comment. "Yes, we've always wanted one," I agree. "Emi, you don't happen to have any weapons with you, do you?"

I can feel my brace where it should be, but it's not quite... accessible in the way that it usually is. I should've manifested it properly before I fell through, but who thinks of everything when they're falling under their bed?

[silverpleather]

"Delightful." I lean against him a little extra-heavily, under the guise of leaning out of the tree and looking down. There's some kind of creature down there, a fair sight more organic-looking than most Metaroids.

"No," I answer him after a moment of thought. My Morphin Blaster was... not confiscated, technically, but it had generally been agreed upon by the higher-ups at EMC that I should probably not use it in my normal body, at least until I'd grown up a little more. At least as old as Youko-chan had been.

"No, I don't. Do you think we'll need to fight?

[red_pleather]

He's a good, solid weight against me, and I hate that my brain automatically starts gauging how easily I could throw him to safety or at the creature below, if either becomes necessary.

Er, I don't mean I'd just randomly toss him at the creature then run. I mean if I couldn't move, myself, and he wanted a boost.

"I think it's possible," I say wearily. "I suppose it's something to do, Emi. I can't see a damn thing from up here. Shall we climb down and see if we can figure out where we are?"