[Past Thread, for Kuroki]

[goldenikemen]

I know what I have to do, Kuroki knows what I have to do. I suspect the others, Emeric especially, have some inclination of what I have to do, whether or not they're choosing to consciously acknowledge it or not. It's the hardest decision I've ever had to make, and yet also somehow the easiest. When I look at Emeric, when I look at him and the other Busters, I find my resolve to be surprisingly unwavering.

When I look at Kuroki though... it gets more complicated. When he looks at me I feel horrible.

Can I really leave him again? Should I?

I shake my head, setting down the little blocks that I was toying with from my demonstration, and move to leave the main room.

I could use some air, even if it's just psychological. Maybe one last trip up to the roof, one last cigarette, even if I can't really taste it.

Comments

[loveenetronkurorin]

He feels right. He feels real. And yet I know he can't feel me in the same way.

I tuck his head under my chin when he clings to me. He can make whatever noises he needs to, right now. Can do whatever he needs to. Because before long he'll be answering our need, instead.

"I've got you," I say quietly, gravel in my voice.

He starts talking about young Emeric, and I nod infinitesimally. "Of course, Jin. We'll take care of Emeric. You've raised him well, and he'll be all right, once he deals with the first shock of -"

My voice cracks, and I take a moment.

"Of losing you."

[goldenikemen]

"Thank you." I nod against his chest, head still tucked up under his chin. I'm thanking him for promising to look out for Emeric, but I'm also thanking him for everything he's done in the last fourteen years, and for putting up with me, and for...

For letting me do what I need to do.

"I'm sorry it has to be this way." I am, neither he nor Emeric deserve to lose me. I'm not be the perfect lover, and I'm certainly not a perfect father figure or partner, but they both care about me for some reason, and they don't deserve to have to say goodbye.

I give Kuroki a last tight squeeze, giving myself time to properly compose myself again, and then slowly pull away. The last thing to detach from him is my fingers that have been gripping at his uniform. I look him over, and smooth my hands down his chest, straitening out his uniform again. One good thing about being just an avatar is there aren't any tear spots on his clothes; small blessings.

"We shouldn't linger any longer." I look at his face, some of my emotional walls back up again, my resolve strengthening again. "We're running out of time; we have to finish this now."

[loveenetronkurorin]

I'm only too aware that we might not all survive this anyway. What if Jin makes his sacrifice, but something else goes wrong? What if he makes his sacrifice, but the subdimension blows up, and we lose Emeric, Hiromu, Ryuuji, Yoko, as well?

What if Jin makes his sacrifice but Messiah still escapes?

We've lost so many people already. There's nothing to limit this final loss to just one.

But I'm not about to dwell on that. It's hard enough for Jin to do this anyway, without thinking that it might not be enough.

"It's not your fault," I say hoarsely. And I still can't touch him. Not really. The last time I touched him, spoke to him, was before that goddamn Christmas party. Fourteen years ago.

I find professionalism deep inside, to match his, and I give him a nod. "After you."