[Past Thread, for Kuroki]

[goldenikemen]

I know what I have to do, Kuroki knows what I have to do. I suspect the others, Emeric especially, have some inclination of what I have to do, whether or not they're choosing to consciously acknowledge it or not. It's the hardest decision I've ever had to make, and yet also somehow the easiest. When I look at Emeric, when I look at him and the other Busters, I find my resolve to be surprisingly unwavering.

When I look at Kuroki though... it gets more complicated. When he looks at me I feel horrible.

Can I really leave him again? Should I?

I shake my head, setting down the little blocks that I was toying with from my demonstration, and move to leave the main room.

I could use some air, even if it's just psychological. Maybe one last trip up to the roof, one last cigarette, even if I can't really taste it.

Comments

[loveenetronkurorin]

I'm looking at Jin, and he's looking back at me. Always so much unspoken between us.

He has to sacrifice himself.

I don't want him to, and it's tearing at me inside. No matter what kind of existence he has now, no matter what hope he doesn't have for continued existence after the subdimension's destroyed. He still shouldn't have to do this.

And yet he still has to, and no one else can do it for him. I can't throw myself in front of this proverbial bullet for him. He's already lost thirteen years. Someone else should be able to take this, if anyone has to die at all. But I can't.

He puts down his blocks, and heads towards the exit.

I intercept him, a hand on his arm. "Jin. I'll come with you."

[goldenikemen]

It's the way he says my name that makes me stop, even more than the hand on my shoulder. Memory reminds me how warm and wide his hands always were, not too rough, buy not soft by any means. Strong and steady.

I wish I'd had the chance to really feel them on me, at least one more time. Ah, it can't be helped though.

But it's the note to his voice, a slight break to it, just a hint of a cracking. It tears me up inside, and I stop, glancing over my shoulder at him.

I force a smile onto my face, and I think it looks almost genuine. "Just like old times, sneaking off for smoke?"

I give his arm a little nudge with the back of my hand, letting the touch linger probably a moment too long, then move with him to the elevator.

There's a lot I want to say to him, tell him, but I can't even begin to know where to start.

[loveenetronkurorin]

"Something like that," I say dryly, noting the look on his face. He's about to die. He should be able to damage his lungs properly with a cigarette, and I grit my teeth briefly once more at these stupid circumstances.

We head to the elevator, and I keep having to turn my eyes away from different spots, different memories. There's the corner where I yelled at him about finishing the Tanakawa Report with no help because he hadn't advised me that his assistant on that project was a) off sick and b) abysmal. There's the spot where he slipped a packet of cigarettes into my pocket because he'd 'borrowed' the last five packets from me.

There's the spot where he kissed me very late one night, furiously drunk and angry about something or other.

It's breezy on the roof.

I know he can't feel it.

On 10 April 2015 at 14:02, goldenikemen - DW Comment <dw_null@dreamwidth.org</p>

[goldenikemen]

Even after so much has changed, there are still so many memories lingering. Memories from thirteen years ago, and more recent ones from my time spent with the Busters. I try not to dwell, but it's hard, especially with Kuroki at my side. He doesn't have to say anything for me to know he's feeling some of the same things I am.

The breeze moves my hair, and can tell there's a shift in the temperature, but beyond that I can't really feel the comforts being up here used to bring. I thought I'd grown used to that, to experiencing the world as an avatar, but I guess not.

I reach for Kuroki, fishing out a crumpled pack of cigarettes from the pocket I know he keeps them in. I light one for us to share as I move to the railing, and lean back against it as I take a drag.

It feels hollow, but I take another drag anyway, like old times, and then pass the cigarette off to Kuroki.

"It's a nice day." I say, trying to keep my voice light.

[loveenetronkurorin]

His hands are familiar at my waist, fishing the cigarettes out of my pocket like it's fourteen years ago and we have all the time in the world.

I take the cigarette from him, watching his face, and take a drag. I exhale slowly, letting the smoke come out in a thin stream.

"Yes," I say dryly. "Jin... I'm utterly furious at you, but I'm sure you're aware of that. There should be another way."

I know there isn't. I don't actually blame him for it.

On 10 April 2015 at 15:26, goldenikemen - DW Comment <dw_null@dreamwidth.org</p>

[goldenikemen]

I can't quite look at him as he speaks, not fully. If I do I might change my mind. I can't change my mind, there's no other way. Maybe...

"Maybe with enough time I could find another option." I slip the cigarette out from between his fingers, letting my hand linger for a moment against his, and the take another slow drag. "But we're running out of time, running out of options. This is the only way we've got right now, and I'm not going to risk all their lives when all it has to cost it mine."

I deserve it, but he doesn't know that.

I hand the cigarette back and then turn, slouching forward and leaning my elbows on the railing, my fingers loosely clasped together. I gaze out at the city, but I'm not really seeing it. Before I can really think on it my mouth is moving, and the words come a lot more easily than I ever thought they would.

"It's all my fault, you know." Knowing Kuroki, he might already know, and if he doesn't, then maybe he already suspected. "Messiah, Enter, Escape. The disaster at the Christmas Party, Emeric getting trapped with me, Hiromu and Youko losing their parents, them and Ryuuji having to become soldiers. It's all because I fucked up."

[loveenetronkurorin]

He's gentle about taking the cigarette off me again.

If I had to do an evaluation on his work, I'd be ranking his avatar pretty highly right now. It's a computer projection of him, but it has his slumped shoulders, it has his weariness, it has that note of resignation in his voice.

Really does feel like him.

I hold the cigarette again, listening to him.

There's a trash can a little to my left. I move over, tap off the ash, and move back again.

"All your fault?" I question softly. I suspect I know where this is going. I don't want to know. I ask anyway.

[goldenikemen]

I draw in a heavy breath, and let it out slowly. Now that I've started there's no turning back, it's time to tell him; he deserves to know. They all do, really, but Kuroki especially, I think.

"Messiah." I'm still looking out over the city, watching as the sun makes all the windows glitter and shine. There's an enetron tower not far away, and I think of everything I've accomplished for EMC, all the solidly good work I've done, the marks I've left that have been positive. Those have to count for something. "Was originally the MESSIAH Project: the prototype for the AI framework that now runs the Buddyroids. Problem was that it was nearly perfect, it worked too well, was too independent, grew too fast, wanted to learn more and more and more. I decided to start over after that, rework a lot of the matrix to create something easier to work with, easier to program.

"But you know me," I glance briefly over my shoulder, my hair hiding most of my face. "I can never delete something I've put work into. So, instead of erasing the MESSIAH Project data and AI prototype, I locked it away in the EMC database behind some firewalls and encryptions. I figured it would just lay dormant there, like most of EMC's older project. I was... really horribly wrong."

I rub at the back of my head, wishing I could crack my neck and actually feel some relief from this tension. "It eventually found my Avatar Program data, creating Enter, and Escape. And, well, you know the rest of the story."

[loveenetronkurorin]

I take in a final drag. Cigarette's done. I stub it out, get rid of it.

I walk back to his side. My arms are folded, and I lean a hip against the railing not far from him. Watching him as he watches the city.

He won't see the city again.

"Mm."

I sigh, thinking about everything that's happened over the last nearly fourteen years. "I can't say I'm entirely surprised."

[goldenikemen]

I should be telling everyone this, telling them that it was my fault for not being cautious enough, for not properly destroying Messiah. I've caused them all so much pain and suffering, and I'm about to cause them more.

But at least they'll be alive.

Kuroki can tell them after, maybe it will soften the blow of my death.

I look at Kuroki again, finally, meeting his gaze and trying to read what he's thinking, what he's feeling. I'm not sure what I'm expecting from him, and I guess it... doesn't much matter in the long run, now, how he feels on the matter.

"Kurorin..." I swallow hard, my voice wavering. "Takeshi, I'm so sorry."

[loveenetronkurorin]

He looks at me, and his face... crumples. At least, as much as he'll usually let me see. More than he lets most people see.

(Young Emeric is an exception, of course.)

I shake my head at him, and grip his shoulder. "Jin. Done is done. It's not your fault."

Of course it is, in a way. But there are ideas which just surface. One way or another. If he hadn't, someone else would've built on his work and would have done it. Or if he'd done something more effective to contain Messiah, someone else would have found a way to get through. Or Messiah still would have found a way to get out.

Besides. I'm so far past the point of wanting, needing, to blame anyone for all of this.

"Anything can be weaponised, Jin. It's something I've had to accept in the last fourteen years. Anything we create for good. AIs. Children."

[goldenikemen]

"Ah," I nod, my voice soft, and still very unsteady. "You're right. You are. I know that intellectually, but."

God I wish I could properly feel that grip he has on my shoulder. I'm aware of it, of the shape and size of it, and the fact that it's exerting weight on my avatar, but I want to actually feel it, just once more.

Just once.

I inhale, and exhale, and it's shaky, heavy with emotion.

I'm gonna die anyway, it doesn't much matter if I keep up my walls, if I keep myself guarded. Besides, it's just Kuroki here, just us, no one else to see.

I slide closer to him, reaching for him. I get my arms around his waist and practically yank him in against me. I turn my head to the side, resting my cheek against his shoulder and looking away.

I cling to him like it'll help everything somehow.

I have never felt this vulnerable before. Or this scared.

And yet there still isn't a single doubt in my mind that this is what has to be done. No doubt that this is what I have to do.

[loveenetronkurorin]

It's not actually okay. Of course it's not. If this hadn't happened, then we would have had the last fourteen years continuing research work under Sakurada-san. Hiromu and Yoko would have their parents. Ryuuji would have his sempai.

So I'm grieving that, sure, but I'm moreso grieving that Jin's about to lose the half-assed existence he managed to claw back.

"I know. Jin, I'm hardly immune to useless, secondguessing guilt myself," I say quietly, my voice too raw for my liking. "If I'd put more safeguards in place. If I'd dissuaded Sakurada-san from charging ahead so quickly. If I'd made it to the Transport Research Center before you were all sucked under. If I'd understood more about the subdimension, about the vaccine program, about this and that-"

He's in my arms, clinging to me like I'm his last chance at breathing. I close my eyes, exhale unevenly. My arms come up around him and I hold onto him, my grip fierce.

It's a beautiful day.

[goldenikemen]

I'd probably be crying if I could, and I suspect, deep in the Subdimension, my body might actually be doing so. As it is my avatar is showing all the signs of it, my shoulders shaking, my eyes red. I may dislike perfection, but I don't create anything half-assed.

"Kurorin." I tighten my grip a bit more on him, flexing my hands, gripping at his uniform. I can't stand this, knowing that I have to leave him again. I know him well enough, have known him long enough, to know he's not as made of stone as he likes to be seen as.

I... I just. I have to.

I turn my head as I lift one hand up to his hair, pressing a kiss to his neck, then to his ear. I keep my lips close to his ear, keep my voice soft, a whisper, but it doesn't waver. And I've been putting it off for so long, avoiding it, denying it, dancing around it, I didn't think it would be this easy to say.

"I love you."

[loveenetronkurorin]

He's actually trembling in my arms. Just like it's really him. Just like that day, I think it was nearly fifteen years ago now, when I yelled at him long enough to get him to admit to the bad news he'd received from home.

(I think that was the first day I'd worked with Doctor Banno, which only reinforced that for all Jin's annoying habits, there are far worse.)

I rub his back reflexively, rest my cheek against his hair. Even though he can't feel it. Not really.

His lips are warm on my skin.

...I freeze.

A short, pained laugh.

"I love you, too. Damn you."

[goldenikemen]

"I know. I've always had the worst timing." I try to laugh, try to sound amused and teasing, but it's hard with everything I'm feeling.

The sun is high, afternoon not close to starting it's creep toward sunset yet. Everything is still despite how desperate things are. The city, most of it anyway, peacefully going about its business.

I'm not a religious person, never have been. I can't speak for others, but I know I won't be going anywhere when my body is finished. My soul won't be moving on to any higher plane. My energy will remain, change form, become something else, but that's all. If what I think will happen happens there won't even be a body left to decompose, to fuel new life that way.

I wish I had anything comforting to say to Kuroki. I wish I could continuing holding him until the world ended around us. Selfish, stupid, but I've always been that way.

Maybe Kuroki will find comfort and happiness with someone else this time. Maybe he'll start that family he used to talk about. He's not as young as he used to be, but he's not too old for it yet.

I pull back just far enough so that I can give Kuroki a damn proper kiss. It's not perfect, I'm sure it feels off to him, just like it doesn't feel quite real to me. But it's something.

[loveenetronkurorin]

This is becoming increasingly more difficult. I'd take him to my rooms. Lock him in. Keep him there forever.

If only it wouldn't doom us all.
If only he wouldn't die anyway.
If only he could actually get some enjoyment out of existence when he can't really touch or taste anything.

I look out over the city. The sun's beginning to make its move towards late afternoon. There are a few rays glinting off the closest Enetron tower. All the cars are still moving. People are still bustling. Busying themselves with home, work, kids, their own tragedies and triumphs.

Mostly with no idea about what we're doing.

What Jin will be doing.

It seems wrong, but then again it's exactly right. Because this is what we fight for. So others can enjoy Christmas. So others can have their lives, with all the happiness and pains therein.

Someone has to do it.

He kisses me, and I do my best to kiss him back. But it's not like it was. Of course it isn't.

[goldenikemen]

I kiss him slowly for as long as I can stand it, like if I just keep going it will somehow feel more real, like it will somehow make it easier for me to go back down to the command room and get on with what I need to do.

Like it will make leaving him behind easier.

I finally break the kiss with a choked, broken sob. A sound I'd never normally make, but one I just can't help right now, pride be damned. I grip at his uniform with both hands, and bow my head to press my face against his chest. I need a moment to compose myself again, to rally my resolve, and he's the steadiest presence I know.

"Look after Emi for me, okay?" I speak against his shirt, but loud and unmuffled enough for him to hear. "If this goes as I've planned he's.... well he's going to lose his avatar. His body should be fine, but it's. I don't think he's fully realized that it won't be like his avatar, that he's going to go back to being physically so small. Make sure he doesn't- That's he's not too- Well, just keep an eye on him, okay? Maybe two."

[loveenetronkurorin]

He feels right. He feels real. And yet I know he can't feel me in the same way.

I tuck his head under my chin when he clings to me. He can make whatever noises he needs to, right now. Can do whatever he needs to. Because before long he'll be answering our need, instead.

"I've got you," I say quietly, gravel in my voice.

He starts talking about young Emeric, and I nod infinitesimally. "Of course, Jin. We'll take care of Emeric. You've raised him well, and he'll be all right, once he deals with the first shock of -"

My voice cracks, and I take a moment.

"Of losing you."

[goldenikemen]

"Thank you." I nod against his chest, head still tucked up under his chin. I'm thanking him for promising to look out for Emeric, but I'm also thanking him for everything he's done in the last fourteen years, and for putting up with me, and for...

For letting me do what I need to do.

"I'm sorry it has to be this way." I am, neither he nor Emeric deserve to lose me. I'm not be the perfect lover, and I'm certainly not a perfect father figure or partner, but they both care about me for some reason, and they don't deserve to have to say goodbye.

I give Kuroki a last tight squeeze, giving myself time to properly compose myself again, and then slowly pull away. The last thing to detach from him is my fingers that have been gripping at his uniform. I look him over, and smooth my hands down his chest, straitening out his uniform again. One good thing about being just an avatar is there aren't any tear spots on his clothes; small blessings.

"We shouldn't linger any longer." I look at his face, some of my emotional walls back up again, my resolve strengthening again. "We're running out of time; we have to finish this now."

[loveenetronkurorin]

I'm only too aware that we might not all survive this anyway. What if Jin makes his sacrifice, but something else goes wrong? What if he makes his sacrifice, but the subdimension blows up, and we lose Emeric, Hiromu, Ryuuji, Yoko, as well?

What if Jin makes his sacrifice but Messiah still escapes?

We've lost so many people already. There's nothing to limit this final loss to just one.

But I'm not about to dwell on that. It's hard enough for Jin to do this anyway, without thinking that it might not be enough.

"It's not your fault," I say hoarsely. And I still can't touch him. Not really. The last time I touched him, spoke to him, was before that goddamn Christmas party. Fourteen years ago.

I find professionalism deep inside, to match his, and I give him a nod. "After you."